Indoctrination

I went through my brainwashing today.

They called it "Traditions." I called it reprogramming.

OK, I exaggerate. For the most part, if you have been though any sort of basic training, you have been through this. The difference is mainly that there is a huge emphasis on the Disney history and on the Disney way of doing things.

Example: Disney Cast Members NEVER point with only one finger. To do so is considered rude. The Disney way consists of using two fingers to point, combined with a kind of air traffic controller motion. We also always end every conversation with a cheerful "Thank you!" and we are supposed to smile A LOT. Little things like that. The point is that everything that is done contributes to the all-around effect of "The Show."

The guys that led the session were über-examples of good Disneyites. (Admittedly they are trainers, so I guess that worked out really well for them.) I will call them Rod and Todd because...well, because it amuses me. They were both more cheerful than I have ever been in my life; let alone at 7:30 in the morning without the benefit of caffeine. Really, what is there to be really happy about at 7:30 in the morning? I'll tell you what: SLEEP! And since I wasn't asleep, I was not cheerful.

Rod, for reasons that he wouldn't disclose really, REALLY hates Matthew McConaughey. Granted, ol' Matty Boy has been paid more money to make more crap than any just Universe should allow, but it was kinda creepy. Creepy as in even Stewie Griffin would suggest taking the creepiness down a notch or two.

Todd was trying really hard to be funny--and to deflect Rod's creepy factor. If you want to know exactly what Todd was like, imagine Terry from Reno 911 and Andy from The Office had a son together. Honestly, I kept waiting for the singing or the roller skates to come out.

Much like a cult, the same concepts are drilled into your head repeatedly. Yes, I do realize the point to this, and yes, I agreed to take the job (hell, I actively sought it out), so I guess it can't really bother me all that much. I even managed to almost get out without incident. I say "almost" because it was the sexual harassment video that did me in. Yeah, shocking, I know.

It's not that there was anything special about it. If you've seen one harassment video you've seen this one--heck, it was pretty generic and I don't think it was produced just for Disney, so you may have actually seen this one in your workplace. The video features short segments illustrating forms of sexual harassment. The segment that did me in was one of a sleazy-looking manager who goes into his female employee's office to remind her that later in the day she is to go to his office for her performance review. He tells her she should arrive half an hour early because he has something she can review. She, of course, protests and tells him that's inappropriate. He then proceeds to tell her something like "Look, I can make this hard for you"...and that was it. Secret thirteen-year-old boy that I am, felt the need to say mostly under my breath, "That's what she said". Yeah, it was stupid and immature--but look, whoever wrote that either was completely clueless or had a John Watersesque sense of humor. Either way, my excuse is that I watched The Office the night before and Michael Scott made me do it.

I have to admit that even cynical me thought the way they ended the training session was pretty cool. They wait until the very end to present you with your name tag and company ID, and they have a certain famous mouse there to present them to you. (Is he really Kim Jong Mickey? He seemed rather congenial, truth be told. Absolutely no suggestion of nuclear weapons or kidnapped Japanese porn starlets gagged and bound in his basement.)

Given how many times I've applied for work there in the past, I have to admit there was a cheesy emotional moment there for me--because it did symbolize something I have always wanted. I couldn't have asked for a better start.